The path ahead
Posted: March 24, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized Leave a commentthe raging pit in my stomach
spewing bile and venom
into my heart
made of glass
ghost tears
pouring out my empty sadness
engulfing me in nothing
letting the pump pump pump of my still beating heart
drum out a rythm of fear,
shaking hands, shaking words, shaking life
shivering at the coldness of human touch
Unknown
Posted: August 11, 2012 Filed under: Animal Leave a commentI don’t know what happens next year,
I don’t know how to escape loneliness and fear
I might leave, I don’t know that
But I promise, for you, I will always come back
I’m waiting, breath held,
Count to ten and then breath expelled
Marking time till the future ends
See what space and time transcends
I’ve never not known what was going to happen
I’m terrified of repeating the same old pattern
But I guess this is different somehow
Some way I can’t describe but I know now
I love it when you lean in to me
It feels the same as the smell of the sea
I don’t want, I just want to be
I’m not trapped or bored, but excited and free
I don’t know if this will last forever
I know we might not be together
I’m uncertain of everything
But I feel like life’s just beginning
Brighton
Posted: July 15, 2012 Filed under: Animal Leave a commentThe incredible infinity stretching out in front of me
The white noise and unending blue of the sea
The possibilities are endless but she doesn’t care
My eventualities will end but she is always there
Every wave screams, crashing against the sand
Every wave whispers, receding from the land
‘I can not control what others do’
‘Do it for yourself, do it to be true’
The sea has known my life, waited, watched and seen
When I am with her, I remember who I have been
I am 16 again, watching my love walk away
I am 80, surprised to see the day
I’m 6 and digging sandcastles with my family
I’m 28 and wondering what’s in front of me
What I think about
Posted: June 24, 2012 Filed under: Animal Leave a comment—————————————————————–
I feel like this should have a bit of context. I wrote this quite a long time ago, which is why it doesn’t quite flow properly, but I really liked the point I’m trying to make here. I’ve spent a long time with this in draft form, but a friend told me I should publish everything I write that is genuine. So this is it.
—————————————————————–
There’s a few things that I really know.
I know our kids would be beautiful.
I know I want you in my life
I know I would hate your wife
I don’t want to be afraid of things.
Like life, the universe, or rings.
You make me less afraid. And so much more so.
…I don’t know.
I’ll tell you what is in my head.
Waking up with you and eating bread.
To play together, forever
You and me, endless and ending never
Love is a difficult thing to say
To understand in a real way.
But if I wait too long,
It will be all wrong.
Will I break you?
Can I shake you?
And make you the man I know you can be,
and know you will be.
Can you be that with me?
The Cheesy one
Posted: June 24, 2012 Filed under: Animal Leave a commentLove is the feeling of your skin against mine,
Love is knowing everything will be fine
It doesn’t demand or expect or fight
It only holds you close at night
It is in the smell of your skin
It keeps you warm within
The times we laugh at the same time
And when I think everything’s going to be fine
It’s in the way you look at me
In knowing we are both free
In choosing to be together every day
In loving to listen to what you say
Love is the way you stroke my arm
Make me a better person and keep me calm
The shape of your lips, the curve of your ear
And going all tingly when you are near
Love is having my best friend around
Helping me plant my feet on the ground
Showing me life is worth the effort of living
Being open and honest and always giving
When I am old
Posted: June 21, 2012 Filed under: Animal Leave a commentMy wrinkled hands will wring themselves raw
And crack and bleed my tired blood.
My thoughts will come, unwanted as the day
My eyes will well and flood
I’ll hate the gremlin on my back
The thing that I forgot to do
Regretting I never did
To mine own self be true
Regret will gnaw at my creaking mind
Full of memories of wishful thinking
I didn’t do what I wanted and just
Spent my days drinking and sinking
I should have paid attention to the journey
And not existed for the end alone
I should have grabbed everything there was
Not just listened to a dial tone
Fear trapped me, anger haunted me
Self doubt was my day-to-day
And so anything I fought to have
I didn’t want anyway
If only I had listened
If only I had tried
If only I had reached out
and touched the other side
Old me will be tired
Old me will be bored
Old me will hate me now
And play a minor chord
Painfully restrained
Posted: June 21, 2012 Filed under: Animal Leave a commentI feel the emptiness radiating from within
I don’t know what it is, this thing
Confusion assaults me with every breath
And I wonder what I’m doing, such delicious mess
I’m tired and I can’t go on for long
Craving the touch of your tongue
But the effort is just too much
The results too intangible to touch
I’ve forgotten why I tried anyway
The end seems so far away
The emptiness is closing in
I can’t think for the din
The loudest sound I will ever know
The sound of you saying – Maybe, I dunno
I don’t matter and there’s no flame
Just frustration and a hollow pain
A terrible sense that this has all happened before
that no matter what, this will never be more
than a shitty ‘yeah whatever, why not’
But you make me feel so fucking hot.
Some thoughts on Feminism
Posted: May 30, 2012 Filed under: Mineral Leave a commentThe government are considering putting legislation in place requiring FTSE 100 companies to have a minimum of 25% of female directors by 2015. This is positive discrimination and I think it is a mistake. See original BBC article here. In a nutshell:
Quotas require that people are hired based not on their ability to do their work but on their gender/race/etc. This creates resentment from the ‘straight white male’ (or whoever the majority figure is), making general relations between the minority & majority stressed, causing more discrimination in other areas where it is permissible to do so. Additionally, any minority that gets a job by merit alone will be assumed to be inferior (as people will assume they only got the job for being a woman/black/whatever) and we will perpetuate the myth that they are not as capable at doing the job.
I think that positive discrimination has its place if it is a short-term solution to improve the overall social standing of a particular group, eg, affirmative action in the US. But the problem with the gender quota is that these women are probably going to already be from privileged backgrounds and we are not really improving anything for the next generation.
What I found interesting was this commentary. I should say right now that I absolutely hate the idea that my personality, my life choices or anything else I do is affected by the fact that I am a woman. I work in an industry where there are practically no women, and I resent being identified as ‘different’.
The thing that struck a chord with me was the quote from leadership psychologist Averil Leimon:
Men will say “pick me, pick me”, even if they are not quite up to scratch. “If a man has got 40% of what it takes to do a job, he knows he’s ready – a woman will wait until she’s pretty perfect and then think, ‘Am I ready for this?’
I don’t really know what a leadership psychologist does, but I think this is true. And this is why:
But, I think that when you are in the minority you will always be representing your minority as well as yourself. I worry more than anything about whether my actions will someday result in another woman not getting a job if I don’t do well.
It’s a lot of pressure, and probably unfair on the various recruiters and managers that interview us. Having said that, my boss once told me I should come into work in a bikini.
So perhaps you could argue that the quota is a good thing. More women means less pressure on any one individual. However if the women are all there because of their gender, it helps nothing as they might be good at their job, but equally they might be fucking it up for the rest of us. Look at Margaret Thatcher – not incompetent as such, just basically a shit. Can you imagine us electing another female PM any time soon, particularly a Tory?
I strongly agree that we do not have gender equality yet. I desperately want something to change, but we cannot ask the world to change for us. People will only see you the way they want to see you until you show them something different. The ‘subtle and influential and just changing opinions politely’ way is about showing the world they are wrong about women. We need to start with believing that ourselves.
On reflection
Posted: May 20, 2012 Filed under: Animal Leave a commentSometimes I wonder what I would regret if I died
what I could have experienced or tried.
I should have given everything to life
not just sat and watched TV at home
I should have paid attention to the journey
and not existed for the end alone
I just want to be free
Of these thoughts of things,
like how I wish I had never been
how I wish my mum would’ve seen
that my existence would be wasted
life tried, but never tasted
I’m angry that my life is so good
and I’m still not happy
or I would be, if I had the energy
I feel desperate and pathetic
I need more than this but I don’t know where to get it
I wish it was inside, that I could set myself free.
Deep down I dispair at the terror that grips me
I don’t believe in anything I do
I don’t think I belong here
Where are we anyway?
Something’s fucking wrong here.
The closest thing to heaven is something
not quite real
I want it more than anything,
this ideal
this…friendship
But I guess I’ll just wait and see
What will be, will be, will be
Søren for the inconvenience
Posted: May 13, 2012 Filed under: Animal Leave a commentI am terrified in this moment.
Sharing the shit that’s in my head
The march of my mind.
Endless and obvious and boring
What are my words worth?
I tell you, with my heart on my sleeve, blood pouring down my arm.
Open and afraid with startling clarity
This is not something that can be measured or assessed, this is not science.
I know that perceptions of the same situation are different for different people
I know that the speed of light is the same regardless of your frame of reference, but this is not the same
I’m sorry
This is meaningless to everyone except me, trapped inside my own head.
I can’t share, I can’t – why would you care?!?
For a rant that doesn’t even rhyme
Or keep time?
But…
what else is there?
todayisabeautifulday 